| About Dating |
| Dating |
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| How Do I Get Him To Talk To Me? |
| Rachel asks: "I can't get a hot guy to talk to me, no matter what I do. They only want to talk to the really gorgeous girls, which I'm not. I'm not ugly though, and I think I'm a pretty cool person with a lot to offer. What do I have to do to get a cute, great guy interested in me?" Ah, Rachel. I think most young women (and men, for that matter) ask a similar question at some point in their in their youth. Actually, that's not true: I think we all wonder at times why, for whatever reason, some people are more attracted to other people than they are us. I've spoken to women in every age bracket with some variation of this question, so I don't think you're alone in your quest or frustration, nor do I think it an unusual one. If anything, it takes courage to ask something so raw, and for that I applaud you. To the meat of your question however, there are two answers I can give you: If someone doesn't think you're amazing, it's time to focus on the people who think you are; and Physical attraction is only one aspect of a romantic relationship, and although very important, not the only factor you need to look at when "trying to get a guy to talk to you". Let me clarify a bit, starting with the first point. For those of us who aren't stunningly beautiful, who don't stop cars on the street or who don't sport movie-star looks when we roll out of bed, we have to do more than just look good to attract someone. In my opinion, that's a good thing. I'd much rather that someone found me hot because of the way my mind works, how I raise my children, or a twinkle in my eye than my physicality. We look different as we age, and our bodies will likely not remain the same either, so if someone finds me interesting or "hot", I hope it's because of who I am as a person and something that probably won't change much. In turn, I look for these same qualities in anyone I've dated, because they have to sport more than just a great body or a pretty face for me to find them attractive. I realize I'm not in the majority with this mindset, and have been told many, many times throughout the years by friends and coaching clients that it's unreasonable to think physicality doesn't matter when it comes to meeting someone. See, I agree, but want to put it out there that there's more than just oh-my-gawd-he's-so-hot-I'm-going-to-puke-right-now-if-I-look-him-in-the-eye to a dating relationship. There has to be for it to have legs, and thus, why I urge you to focus more on people that (a) appreciate more than just your physical beauty, and (b) take on the same behavior yourself. For those of you who feel I haven't answered Rachel's question, I'll give you one more tidbit that may or may not be helpful: there are few things more attractive than confidence. Work on any self-doubts you have, find your inner spark, cultivate a cheerful mindset, and make yourself happy, and men of all kinds will flock to you. What do you think, dear readers? Is there some magic thing you can do to make a "hot" guy talk to you, or interested in pursuing something? Have you done it, and if so, how? Or, do you disagree with my advice entirely, and think we should all strive for something different? Related: New Law of Attraction? Have Them Come To You, Physical Attraction Makes Us Less Able To Make A Good Impression, Is He Interested? Quiz, How Much Do Looks Matter?, Peacocking, Zsa Zsa Zu.How Do I Get Him To Talk To Me? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Friday, May 18th, 2012 at 03:57:15.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| How Much Does Mood Affect Your Attractiveness? |
| A single friend of mine is down in the dumps. He's miserable, angry, frustrated, you name it - and it shows. So when he asked me today why no one wanted to meet him off a dating site, I paused before answering. Because in my opinion? Mood does affect one's attractiveness. Without question. A number of years ago I did something I've since labeled my smiling experiment, where I spent an evening sharing my 100-watt smile to everyone I encountered on a busy weekend night. Prior to my very non-scientific test, I was in a similar head space as my friend. I couldn't attract someone for the life of me and it was really starting to get to me. So instead of moping about it, I went out and tried something new. I genuinely smiled. At everyone. Even though I really didn't feel like it, and even though (at the time) I felt horrible about myself. Within two hours my mood had changed dramatically - and with it, my attractiveness meter skyrocketed. With that story in mind, I wanted to tell my friend that all he had to do was change his mood. Somehow, he had to start feeling better about himself before he'd be attractive again. "Try some Wii Boxing," I suggested initially, thinking the endorphin rush would assist him in feeling better while still remaining tactful. He did, and it helped, but he was still frustrated - so I decided to share my smiling experiment trick. "Go for a walk and smile at everyone you encounter. I don't care who they are or what they are doing, just give them a smile that would light up any room, and then continue on your way. Don't ask for anything, don't linger, just smile and keep on walking. Then call me when you get back." My friend hasn't called me back yet, so I'm hoping that my tactic worked for him as well as its worked for me. But I'm curious: do you find that your mood affects your attractiveness? If so, what do you do to change it? Related: Attract Someone Myths, Why Can't I Create Chemistry?, How Low Self Esteem Affects Dating Relationships.How Much Does Mood Affect Your Attractiveness? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Wednesday, May 16th, 2012 at 00:02:45.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| My Boyfriend Wants a Threesome Dating Question |
| Peach asks: "The other night my boyfriend started joking around about having a threesome with me. I laughed and told him sarcastically why not but I was joking too and I thought he knew that. Now he won't stop talking about it, asking me if I find this woman or that woman attractive and so forth. I have no idea how to tell him it's never gonna happen now. Help?" Bonny's answer: You've run up against a definite difference between how men and women communicate. Without getting too stereotypical, let me say that when most men 'joke' about a threesome, they aren't joking. They're testing you to see if you're able, willing and/or interested. This isn't to say that every guy wants a threesome with his girlfriend or partner. Some do, some don't. Some just like the idea that they might have one, or want to fantasize with their lover about the possibility. If he's truly joking around and has no intention of trying to make the idea a reality, only then would I say have some fun and play along. He knows that the majority of heterosexual women aren't into threesomes; he just wants you to support his fantasy. Having said that, your guy has started to take further steps towards making the dream a reality. If you're truly not interested at all in sharing him sexually with another woman, then it's time for some firmness. There's no beating around the bush here. The next time he brings up anything threesome-related, let him know in no uncertain terms you're not interested. Pause, look him in the eye, maybe even touch his arm gently, and say, "I know you're really excited about the idea of a threesome, but nothing in this world could convince me it's something I want. I don't mind hearing about your fantasies or even getting a bit playful with them, but a threesome will never be anything but imaginary for me." Cater the words to suit your personality and situation, but make the message the same. He'll stop asking you or pushing for answers, even if he doesn't stop thinking about it. What say you, dear readers? What would you say if you were Peaches? Have you been in this, or a similar situation? What did you do? Related: Male / Female Sexual Desires and the 'Threesome', All About Sexual Fantasy, Get Dating Help, Couples Communication Quiz.My Boyfriend Wants a Threesome Dating Question originally appeared on About.com Dating on Tuesday, May 15th, 2012 at 00:08:40.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| Would You Tell Your Partner You Cheated? |
| An overheard conversation about a magazine article got me thinking the other day about cheating and betrayal in dating relationships. Specifically, an article that a friend of a friend read stated that one of the newest dating rules was that you didn't tell your partner if you'd cheated, as it would only add to the pain on both sides. Rather, the article suggested (as told to me second hand), if you were remorseful for your actions and knew you'd never do it again, there was no reason to share with your partner about the unfaithfulness. Although I kind of, sort of, get what the article was getting at (why stir the pot if the issue has been resolved already?), why would any relationship 'expert' tell people that betraying their partner was acceptable behavior? Sure, coming forward might end the dating relationship, but it might also strengthen things after the initial shock. In fact, I know of several folks whose relationships were better off after having been cheated on, serving as a wake up call to all parties with regards to what wasn't working, and who gave them a means to make their bond even stronger and better than it was prior to the infidelity. Which isn't to say I condone cheating, or that I feel cheating is a good thing for a relationship - I most definitely do not. But I know I'd much rather know if my partner had betrayed me than be left in the dark, so I could (at the very least) make an informed decision about my next step. But what about you? Do you think that its ok not to tell your partner that you cheated, especially if you've learned from the experience and it will never happen again? Or, if your partner cheated on you, would you want them to tell you? Related:Did He Get Caught Cheating?, Signs of Cheating, Predicting Infidelity, Lust in Translation, Can You Break Up To Make Up?Would You Tell Your Partner You Cheated? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Monday, May 14th, 2012 at 00:42:51.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| Dating Question About Friends With Benefits |
| Nicky asked this dating question: "I recently told a coworker that I was attracted to him. He feels the same. We have had sex, which was great, and we plan on seeing each other when I return home from school. We have a ton in common, feel completely at ease with each other, we were friends before we were intimate. The problem is, he has a girlfriend who he lives with and has been dating for two years. I was fine with being friends with benefits but we talk every day and can't wait to see each other. Should I stay in this and see if he leaves his girlfriend, or am I asking to get my heart broken?" In a word, yes, you are asking to get your heart broken - especially if you believe that the "problem" is his girlfriend, and not the fact that you are sleeping with a man who is supposedly in a committed, live-in relationship. I realize these next words are so often mentioned that they seem trite and not very helpful, but they bear repeating: Someone who will be unfaithful with you, will have no issue cheating on you. So even if the gent does leave his girlfriend for you, you've got a huge uphill battle ahead. Few relationships (if any) can thrive with this kind of background. You say you have no issue with the friends with benefits relationship, which isn't a problem if that's all you are looking for. But asking if your heart might be broken with this arrangement tells me another story: that you want more, but aren't quite ready to admit it, even to yourself. My advice? The talking every day needs to stop, as does the friends with benefits arrangement. Being coworkers may make this a bit more challenging, but nevertheless it needs to occur. Sever all interaction. If he asks why and you feel the need to give a reason, let him know you feel you've made a mistake and need some space. Don't answer his calls, emails or any other methods of communication. If he's The One for you, he'll understand that he needs to break things off with his girlfriend, move out, and spend some time alone before trying to even be friends with you again, let alone attempt a sexual or romantic relationship. And if it was only friends with benefits for him, then you've lost nothing other than a casual sex partner, which isn't hard to find with someone who is available/single if that's all you were after in the first place. As for your friendship with the gent, it may survive the situation if what the two of you shared was strong to begin with before you became intimate, but do yourself a favor and steer clear of him for at least a couple of months. What do you think, dear readers? Do you have any advice for Nicky? Related: Can I Make Him Want More Than Friends With Benefits With Me?, Postitive Self-Talk, Can Casual Sex Become a Relationship?.Dating Question About Friends With Benefits originally appeared on About.com Dating on Friday, May 11th, 2012 at 00:05:06.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| Do You Have One Who Got Away? |
| The movie the Ghosts of Girlfriends Past got me thinking - namely, about people I or my clients have dated but, for whatever reason, things didn't work out. I'll admit I have one person I consider to have 'gotten away', but it was also poor timing for the both of us. He's now a newly married man and sent me a quick note to say as much, but up until that point I occasionally had these what-if moments, wondering about what might have been if we were both in different places in our lives. It seems I'm in the minority according to SpeedDate.com, who polled their users in 2011 about the one who got away, and whether or not they'd want to reconnect again. Although 65% of the respondents stated they did have someone who got away, only 29% would want to make contact again to see if they could date once more. Just over 5300 people responded to the poll. But what about you? Do you have someone that got away? What happened? Would you make contact with them again? Why or why not? Related: I Miss You Text Message Ideas, How To Kick Bad Love Habits After a Breakup, How To Get Over Your Ex.Do You Have One Who Got Away? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Thursday, May 10th, 2012 at 13:06:04.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| Why Doesn't He Want To Be My Boyfriend? |
| Ruby wrote me the other day asking me why the guy she's been dating the past few months won't be her boyfriend. It's a difficult question for me to answer, because there are so many variables. Still, its a question that many women ask, although it usually comes across like this: Why doesn't he love me? Why won't he stop dating other women? He's acting like we are in a relationship, but refuses to call me his girlfriend. Every time I ask him about our relationship status, he avoids me or gets angry. Why am I not good enough for him? Seriously, those comments and questions are culled from recent dating advice emails I've received. They all sound pretty heartbreaking - and needy. Perhaps those who have written in will see them, and be able to see just how those words come across in print.. because surely the guys they are dating know it, or at the very least feel it. But for those who still don't understand why the dudes they're hanging out with don't want a relationship, maybe a poll will help. Why do you think men say they don't want to be in a relationship? Feel free to choose more than one answer, or add your own thoughts in the comments. |
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| Would You Date Someone With an STD? |
| Several years ago I dated a man who told me that he'd had a run in with genital warts. He told me early on in our interaction, and assured me that it had been taken care of. He also had a clean bill of health, and wanted to know if I'd go with him to the STD clinic to get tested. Compare that experience to a male client of mine, who recently told me that the woman he's been dating for three months just advised him - in the heat of the moment - that her previous boyfriend had given her herpes. They are now in discussions about what to do next, although the gent went to the doctor to discuss it and was told, "It's not a big deal, more than 60% of people have the herpes virus, they just don't know it." Horror stories abound on this topic, and my intention isn't to create fear. Rather, I'm curious as to what is okay and what isn't for someone with an STD when it comes to dating. Have you dated someone that has one, and it wasn't a big deal? Or was it a deal breaker? Are you someone with an STD who hasn't had a problem telling people, or has it been a difficult experience? How did it change your perception of dating, or how you've dated? More information about sexuality and STDs and STD Dating Sites.Would You Date Someone With an STD? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Tuesday, May 8th, 2012 at 00:29:32.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| Does He Like Me As a Friend, or More? |
| Michelle asks: I met a guy at a bar about two weeks ago. We exchanged numbers when we first met and he called me the next day to set up a double date a few days later. That went well, so we spent some time together at my place a few days after that. He then asked if I wanted to go out to lunch in a few days (which we are tomorrow). However, I'm not sure if he wants to date me or just be friends (we've kissed only once, and I was the one that made the move). He is shy and it is difficult to read him. He is a great guy and I want to date him, but how can I tell if he feels the same way? Or could I just be impatient? I've only known this guy two weeks now. Bonny's answer: From what you've shared Michelle, I'd say that the two of you are dating already. (See The Definition of Dating for more about my take on why, and what I believe dating is today). You are spending time together to get to know one another better, and you both continue to instigate contact. Sure, you made the first move and kissed him, but what's to say he wouldn't have if you hadn't? And frankly, if someone doesn't want to kiss you, they won't. I'd stop trying to push things further ahead then they need to be. Things sound great so far, and progressing in a way that many women wish the early stages of a relationship would. If in a week or two things haven't moved towards a discussion along these lines and you are still hanging out once or twice a week, I'd broach the subject gently, thoughtfully and playfully. "Is this a date? Because I'd like to think it is," with a twinkle in your eye might work, but let your own imagination and personality shine though. Then, let him answer at his own speed, and without pressure. If he decides the two of you aren't on the same page, you can start looking for someone else you'd like to date that suits your relationship needs. What say you, dear readers? Do you think Michelle is being impatient? Does he like her as a friend or more? Have a dating question you'd like answered? Try filling out the dating advice submission form, or jump in the dating forum if you'd like a faster response to a more urgent question. Does He Like Me As a Friend, or More? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Monday, May 7th, 2012 at 19:00:23.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| Being 'Lucky' in Love |
| Have you ever had a friend that attracted people wherever they went, never seemed to stay single long, and were able to fall in love at the drop of a hat? It's almost like they were able to find not one, but several soulmates throughout their lives, and each one was a joy to be celebrated. I have a friend like this, and I've been fascinated with her luck with love throughout the years. There's nothing unhealthy or desperate about her loving nature; rather, she's centered and open minded to whatever comes her way. If she wanted to be in a relationship she never had any lack of suitors, and it was rare to find her without a partner. Even more interestingly, she stayed on good terms with most of her ex's, going so far as to set some up with other friends of hers because she felt they'd be a better match. I'll bet that most of us know someone like my friend who (seem to) effortlessly attract love relationships. But if that's the case, why aren't more of us who are seeking a date or mate following in their footsteps? Or, is it really a matter of being lucky in love, and nothing to do with the laws of attraction or how we present to the world? So, dear readers, what do you think? Does attitude have a lot to do with your "luck" in love, or is it something else? Have you changed your outlook, or know someone who has, and it has benefited them romantically? Related: How Much Do Looks Matter?, Would You Date Someone Who Is Plain?, Attraction Makes Us Dumb.Being 'Lucky' in Love originally appeared on About.com Dating on Friday, May 4th, 2012 at 00:30:15.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| Are There Any Legitimate Adult Dating Sites Out There? |
| Stephen asks: "I am trying to find a 'real' adult dating site. It seems all that I have come across do not have real/true information... as if it has been hyped to get you to join. Amateur Match is one for sure. The people on there either do not exist or are trumped up. I sent the company an email to complain, but they didn't reply. And when I clicked on a picture, the city and/or state changed to someplace nearby... what a scam. There has to be a legitimate adult dating site out there. Help?" Hi Stephen, and thanks to my colleague Cory Silverberg (About.com's Guide to Sexuality) for sending you my way. To answer your question: it depends on what you mean by legitimate. Are you looking for an adult dating site that caters to adult encounters or casual sex, that isn't full of scammers or fake profiles? If that's the case, I'll admit its pretty hard to find. My first recommendation would be to try Lavalife's Intimate Encounters section (Buy Direct); you sign up with them and then decide which of the three sections you want to be a part of (Dating, Relationships or Intimate Encounters). You can use different handles in each section under the same account too, so no one will be any wiser if you want to advertise for one thing in one place without ruining your chances for something more should it come up. It's pretty hard for any site these days (especially the big ones) to stop fake profiles and scammers from signing up, but I think I get what you're after. There are a lot of adult dating sites that don't have a lot of users, or use sneaky marketing tactics like the bait and switch you're referring to. We've all seen them - the ads show a bevvy of beautiful women in your area, but when you sign up, you realize that the women were just ads that were geographically targeted to your search preferences. After Lavalife, I only know of four others that are worth mentioning: Club Intimate, Fling, Adult Match Doctor and Sexy Ads. The last one I haven't actually reviewed fully, but the site owners took the time to add a profile on this site. Adult dating sites I don't recommend? ShagPal and Adult Friend Finder. So dear readers: have you used an adult dating site that you can recommend, or want to warn other users about? Here's the form to fill out for either situation, or share your comments here. Are There Any Legitimate Adult Dating Sites Out There? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Thursday, May 3rd, 2012 at 00:14:50.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| How Long Should I Wait for a Date? |
| Diane asks: "I have been chatting with this one guy for over two months now. I have hinted, and came straight out about meeting for a drink, and he always uses his sense of humor to get out of it. Should I keep chatting or just say later alligator? I even gave him my cell phone, and he does not call, but emails me everyday. Help?" Diane, I'm really surprised that you've kept hanging on this long without a date, so let's come at this from a different perspective. If you meet a guy and you're interested in getting to know him better, can you think of any logical and reasonable reason why you'd put them off for two months? Of course you couldn't, because you wouldn't. So why would you read into someone else's behavior any differently? Now, I wouldn't go and tell the guy something rude or upsetting like you've suggested. In fact, I suggest investing nothing else into this man. Don't chat with him, don't reply to his emails (set up a filter to throw them in the trash immediately if it helps), and don't spend one more second wondering why he won't go on a first date with you. Focus your energies elsewhere, and soon enough you'll meet a guy who is as eager and excited to meet the amazingness that is you, as you are him. But, dear readers, what do you think? Have you been on either side of this situation, and what did you do? Related: He's Just Not That Into You, Is He Into You Quiz, Does He Like Me as a Friend or More?, Is He Still Interested?How Long Should I Wait for a Date? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Wednesday, May 2nd, 2012 at 12:51:25.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| Do You Use Pickup Lines? |
| In a way, pickup lines aren't much more than conversation starters, although specialization is key. Pickup lines both show and generate interest while creating an "in" with which to get a phone number or date. But avoid the cheesy, smarmy, lecherous or single-minded (i.e. sexual only), as the best pickup lines are sincere questions or comments that draw the pursued to the pursuer naturally, without feeling like the "What's your sign, baby?" of yesteryear. Do you use pickup lines? If so, what has worked (or tanked) for you? Has someone used a great pickup line on you that you'd like to share?Do You Use Pickup Lines? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Monday, April 30th, 2012 at 00:00:47.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| Have You Ever Done This To Attract Someone? |
| A small paragraph in the book, "Are You Normal? About Love, Sex and Relationships?" by Bernice Kanner got me thinking today. In it, she quotes an unnamed research study that stated 34% of men and 39% of women have tried to attract someone by sharing a personal fantasy about the other person, with the gross majority of those who'd tried, succeeding (94% of the men and 98% of the women who had tried it). I really enjoy this book, because it gives a ton of interesting tidbits such as these. But there's no way for me to source the information unfortunately, as the only mention of where the information came from was found in the introduction to the book: :The giant ad agency Euro ESCG fielded many of my questions with its international survey, "Love and Lust." The Chicago-based ad agency Leo Burnett undertook many other parts of this survey. And I fleshed out the rest with surveys from as far afield as condom makers, car companies and health-care providers." I've scoured the net for the original sources, talked to reference librarians, all so far with no luck. But since the book was published in early 2004, isn't it time to revamp the stats anyway? And so readers, I am asking you: have you ever used a personal fantasy to attract a man or woman - and if so, was it successful? Feel free to share your comments as well if the answer choices don't quite fit your situation. |
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| Is There Such Thing As Too Many Pets? |
| In the dating forum, AndyGram42 wants to know: "Is there a good way to tell someone you are seeing that they have too many cats and dogs?" It's a thoughtful yet challenging question, which brings up a whole host of other questions, such as: Can cat and dog people have successful relationships with one another? How much is too much of anything? Meaning: can one have too many books? Friends? Newspaper clippings? How do you broach what obviously would be a challenging conversation with someone you are dating? Better yet, how do you know if it's even appropriate to mention it? I'd love to hear your views on this situation, and how any of you have handled similar touchy conversations.Is There Such Thing As Too Many Pets? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Wednesday, April 25th, 2012 at 00:06:57.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| Send Affection and Save Your Heart |
| By contacting loved ones three times a week with messages of affection and love, Arizona State University study participants lowered the kind of cholesterol that clogs arteries by over eleven points in a month. To compare, most folks receive the same kinds of results with medication. The study also found a correlation between a woman's resting heart rate and receiving a hug from her romantic partner: the more hugs she received, the lower her resting heart rate was. And both the men and the women in the study had lower resting heart rates as well as lower blood pressure during a stressful event, if before the event they either held hands or hugged their partner. Not that any of us needed a reason to be more affectionate with the person we're dating, of course. But for those of you with cholesterol issues, sending a quick note on Facebook or sending your partner a romantic text message three times a week seems a minor output in comparison to the life-long heart benefits. Reference: Floyd, Kory et al. "Human Affection Exchange: XIV. Relational Affection Predicts Resting Heart Rate and Free Cortisol Secretion During Acute Stress." Behavioral Medicine 32, no. 4 (Winter 2007): 151-156.Send Affection and Save Your Heart originally appeared on About.com Dating on Tuesday, April 24th, 2012 at 00:26:21.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| Study Shows Preferred Online Dating Handles |
| A researcher who specializes in cyber-psychology has undertaken the interesting task of scientifically determining what types of online dating handles are the most appealing. According to the Times Online, Dr. Monica Whitty at Nottingham Trent University in England presented the study at the British Psychological Society's annual conference on April 4th, 2008. So what did Dr. Whitty determine? Handles that convey playfulness or attractive physical features are clear winners (i.e. blueeyedguy), whereas screen names that were plain or used someone's name were less attractive choices (i.e. george24). Surprising to both the researchers and myself, online dating handles that played on wealth or financial well-being were ostracized (i.e. porschelover), probably because it made the people choosing to use them seem pretentious, uppity or stretchers of the truth. Do you agree with the study's findings? Have certain online dating handles worked better than others for you? Related: How To Write an Online Dating Profile Study Shows Preferred Online Dating Handles originally appeared on About.com Dating on Monday, April 23rd, 2012 at 00:36:36.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| Should I Hold Off On Passionate Kissing Until I'm Ready To Have Sex? |
| A middle aged female dating forum member wants to know whether or not she should slow things down a bit with the man she's dating, who just admitted his love for her. Specifically: "...this is going to sound like a High Schooler's question, but I'd like your opinion and any men out there as well. If I'm not ready to have sex yet, is it better to hold off on the passionate kissing too so no one gets too frustrated? Sorry if that sounds dumb, but I really wonder sometimes which is kinder..." So readers, what do you think?Should I Hold Off On Passionate Kissing Until I'm Ready To Have Sex? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Friday, April 20th, 2012 at 00:00:25.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| Would You Cheat? |
| For the past few days I've researched and wrote some content about Ashley Madison, the dating site that offers it's users an 'affair guarantee'. Basically anyone whose coupled up can sign up for their service, and if you follow a strict set of guidelines, you'll receive your money back if you don't find what you're after in six months. By writing this content, I'm not saying I support cheaters. Let's be clear: I don't. But whether I support or condone websites that offer cheaters a means to and end, the fact is, these sites exist because there's demand, and I get a lot of emails on the topic every month. Writing about it makes me curious... and if you look at the current poll results, you'll understand why. Poll: Would you feel a temptation to cheat if there was no way anyone would find out? Definitely Possibly Can't Decide Not Likely Never View Results So, would you cheat? Under what circumstances, if any? Have you before? If so, would you again?Would You Cheat? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Thursday, April 19th, 2012 at 00:46:17.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| The Disappearing Date - Or - Why Didn't He Call Back? |
| Have you ever had a date that was so fantastic, so perfect, that you were on cloud nine for days (or even weeks) on end - just to have the other participant disappear? I know I have, and I've heard more than a few folks of late both asking for dating advice and posting in the dating forums about this very topic. I find the disappearing date phenomena seems to come in waves, in that I get a lot of questions about the topic around the same time every year. Its not an easy question to answer either, i.e. "Why didn't he call me back?" or some variation thereof. There are so many variables to the question - how long have you been dating, did anything weird happen on your date, do you know if there is any behavioral history along these lines, have you been intimate - that there is no one-answer-fits all. But what I can say is this: there is always a reason why someone doesn't call back after a great date, and it likely has little to do with you. Rachel Greenwald has written an excellent book the topic called, "Why He Didn't Call You Back: 1000 Guys Reveal What They Really Thought About You After Your Date." The book isn't just for women trying to understand why her date disappeared though, as there is a chapter that outlines women's top five dating deal breakers too. But the meat of the book discusses the main reasons why a guy won't call you back - even if things seemed amazing during the date - and how to prevent the same thing happening over and over again to you. Are the pointers surprising? Definitely. Will some women find the comments shared by some of the men quoted in the book abrasive? Without question. But if you've struggled with disappearing date syndrome in your life of late, its a book I highly recommend. I should note however that I did read some of the chapter headings to a male friend of mine, who promptly said, "That's common sense for any guy. Trust me." So, if you can't get a copy of the book for whatever reason, ask your male friends about their biggest turn offs on a date, and why they wouldn't call a guy back. But what about you? Have you ever not called someone back after a seemingly good date? Why? Or if you've been the one waiting for the call back that never came to be, how did you deal with it? The Disappearing Date - Or - Why Didn't He Call Back? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Wednesday, April 18th, 2012 at 00:56:22.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| Bad Breakup Stories |
| We've probably all had our fair share of bad breakup stories, but some stories seem weirder, stranger or more cruel then the norm. One reader today shared with me her story of how her boyfriend of several years dumped her mid-fight by pulling over, telling her to get out of the car, and driving away. Her keys, wallet and phone were still on his dashboard, and she had no way of contacting anyone to pick her up or even to get into her apartment. Luckily she wasn't far from her work, so she walked over and made a few calls from there. What's your worst breakup story? How did you work through the aftermath? Do you have any suggestions for other singles still struggling with a bad breakup? Related: Breakup Rules, Are You Over Your Ex?, Feel Better After A Breakup.Bad Breakup Stories originally appeared on About.com Dating on Tuesday, April 17th, 2012 at 00:20:15.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| A New Law of Attraction? Have Them Come To You |
| Or, so says a study undertaken by Northwestern University researchers Eli Finkel and Paul Eastwick. They followed heterosexual speed daters to determine the differences in attraction when women sat and the men changed seats, and then when the men sat and the women changed seats. Their conclusion? When the women remained stationary and the men moved from speed date to speed date, the gents were more attracted to their dates than the women were to theirs. As well, the men chose more women to pursue for further dating interactions than they did in any other scenario. But when the roles were reversed and the women moved around, the number each gender wanted to see again remained about the same. So how can you use this research to your benefit? Favor speed dating events where the men roam and the women stay seated, or when trying to meet someone new in a heterosexual partnership, allow the gent to approach, first. Sources: Bower, B. (2009, February 14). The Dating Go Round. Science News, 175(4), 22-25. Finkel, Eli J., and Paul W. Eastwick. "Speed-Dating." Current Directions in Psychological Science 17.3 (2008): 193-97A New Law of Attraction? Have Them Come To You originally appeared on About.com Dating on Monday, April 16th, 2012 at 17:30:35.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| Would You Date a Guy In a Bromance? |
| SpeedDate polled their users (of which 571 responded), asking the gents if they had a bromance, and the gals if they'd mind if their guy had a bromance while dating them. 14% of the men said they'd had or were having a bromance, almost half (47%) felt they had close friendships but they weren't that close, and the remainder (37%) were completely against the concept, stating they were purely romantics, not "bromantics". As for the ladies? Almost half (45%) didn't see an issue with their partner having a close same-sex friendships, 32% thought it would be okay but a tad weird, but almost a quarter (23%) were opposed to the idea, wanting all of their partner's romantic intentions focused on them. What about you? Have you had a bromance? Has it affected your dating relationship? Would you date someone who was having a bromance? Why or why not?Would You Date a Guy In a Bromance? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Friday, April 13th, 2012 at 00:00:01.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| Should My Teenage Daughter Have Overnighters With Her Boyfriend? |
| The mother of an 18-year-old girl who still lives at home asks: My teenage daughter is totally dependent on Mom and Dad. Don't get me wrong, she's looking for a job but hasn't found one yet. She's not lazy, she helps me around the house and she plans to start college in the fall. But my question is about her and her boyfriend, who have been together over two years now. Should my teenage daughter be spending the night with her boyfriend when ever she wants? She believes that because she's 18 she can do whatever she wants, and her boyfriend says outright we are 'stupid' for not allowing it. It's a constant fight in our house, and I'm terribly sad because this isn't how we raised her. So folks, what do you think? Should this woman's teenage daughter be allowed to sleep over at her boyfriends as she pleases? And for those of you with dating teenagers, or even older kids who still live at home - what have you done? What worked to reduce the tension, and what didn't? Should My Teenage Daughter Have Overnighters With Her Boyfriend? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Thursday, April 12th, 2012 at 00:37:26.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| He Wants an Open Relationship Dating Question |
| Lindsay asks, "My guy and I have been dating over a year. We've had our rocky times and our good ones, but all in all its been pretty amazing. Recently however I found out he was meeting other women on dating sites and even kissed one of them. When I asked him what was going on, he said that he felt he wasn't wired for monogamy. He didn't want to hurt me, so he was relieved that it was all out in the open. He asked if I would consider an open relationship, where we both date other people but still stay together. He says he cares for me very much, and how he feels isn't a reflection on me. He also said he doesn't want to lose me, but he was scared I'd reject him for who he is. I'm hurt that he lied to me, and I'm confused about my role. Isn't this moving backwards to a casual relationship? I really care about this man, but I'm so confused. Help?" Well Lindsay, there are two ways to look at your situation. You can either consider your guy's request for an open relationship (learning more about what it means, and whether or not its something you can do) or you can say its not something for you and go your separate ways. Of course, that's easier said than done after a year or more of dating. Let me first say that an open relationship is very different than polyamory. I realize that you haven't mentioned this in your question, but bear with me for a second. Polyamory is the concept that we can love more than one person romantically, and at the same time. In my experience, most polyamorous relationships are open and everyone is aware of the other loves or partners, and there is a feeling of inclusiveness. Open relationships on the other hand can be polyamorous, but I find the term usually refers to more of a 'don't ask, don't tell' sort of policy, where both parties date other people with the other's knowledge. Open relationships are just that - open - so each person can really do as they please without having to answer to anyone else. Now, that's just my interpretation. Surely other readers will chime in and share their thoughts. But what I will say is that in my experience, polyamory is focused on love and affection, whereas open relationships are more come what may type experiences. I've also found that folks in poly relationships seem to communicate at a much higher level with their partners (out of necessity) whereas people in open relationships don't seem to share as much with regards to the status of where things are with other folks. The reason why I'm sharing this information with you is because I want you to know you have more than just two choices: leave or stay. You can also negotiate with your partner to redefine what you have so that the relationship works for both of you. I can't tell if you're open to this type of situation, and frankly, it's a difficult road for even the most stable of relationships. But it is an option, and one worth discussing when things have cooled down a bit. For now, I'd suggest thinking about whether or not your guy's actions are something you can forgive - or at the very least understand. I'm not condoning his behavior, because I don't believe that lying is ever an answer. But I do believe that his actions have opened up a level of communication and honesty that the two of you probably haven't shared before, and it might be an opportunity for growth for both of you. And since you wouldn't be asking the question if you weren't considering (even a little bit) his proposal, I have to assume you're willing to negotiate. So with that in mind, I'd recommend first discussing with him the dishonesty aspect, and seeing if its a long term issue or a one-off event. Then I'd move into what you both see an open relationship as, what you need out of it, what can be negotiated and what are deal breakers. I'd also recommend that you speak with a counselor about your feelings, independently of your partner, and take some time to look at what you need from a partner, and whether or not your guy can, or is willing to give that to you. Finally, I'd take some time to nurture and be gentle with yourself, and give yourself some space and time to think without too much pressure from anyone. He Wants an Open Relationship Dating Question originally appeared on About.com Dating on Wednesday, April 11th, 2012 at 00:32:50.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| Is It Ok To Occasionally Hit Your Girlfriend? |
| It's rare that a dating question riles me up, but few years back someone posted a question in the dating forums still has me steamed. I don't normally hit my girlfriend but when she starts b*tching at me but I just can't stand it anymore. The woman just deserves a smack when I don't want to deal with her. How do I make my girlfriend stop nagging me? I answered his question already with a standard "break up and get help" reply, but I think there is a greater issue and debate at stake here. Yes, the poster could just be a schmuck looking to rile me and the other dating forum members up, and it is unlikely that he actually smacks his girlfriend around when she annoys him. But - what if he does? Just the possibility has kept me up many a night. And, it is entirely possible that he's serious. If I look at recent studies, dating violence is still a silent yet rampant destructive force in many dating relationships. One U.S. Department of Justice report stated that 20 out of every 1,000 women between the ages of 16-24 have experienced dating violence. Another posted in the Journal of Contemporary Justice showed 34% of all college students have experienced dating violence in a previous relationship, and the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence contends that 71% of rape or sexual assault victims knew their offenders. These statistics all hit close to home for me personally, as I too have also experienced dating violence first hand. Approximately five years ago, a man I met from a dating site followed me home unawares and forced himself on me. Luckily one of my upstairs roommates heard my cries for help and intervened before anything serious happened. My first serious relationship was also a physically abusive one, which pains me to this day since I'd always thought of myself as too smart to endure any dating violence whatsoever. By the time I realized I was in danger however I was trapped. I was able to extricate myself when several coworkers noticed my sudden behavioral change and called the police. Because of my own personal experiences, I have to wonder how many victims of dating violence are suffering in silence. I know that anytime I've answered polls on this subject, I forget that I was once a victim myself, thereby underreporting and skewing the final results somewhat. How many others - men and women - have done the same? I can only imagine there are more men who are underreporting than women, considering the added shame involved. So with this in mind, I will do everything in my power to determine if the dating forum poster is just pulling my chain or if he is actually a violent man who thinks "occasionally" hitting his girlfriend is okay when she nags him too much. But you tell me. What would you do? Related Content: Textathon Raises Awareness to Reduce Dating Violence in Youth, Getting Out of an Abusive Relationship, Share How You Got Out of an Abusive Relationship. Sources: U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics. (2001) Special Report Intimate Partner Violence and Age of Victim, 1993-1999. Washington, DC: U.S. Government Printing Office. Dating Violence: Facts. Retrieved April 24, 2008 from http://www.ncadv.org/files/datingviolence.pdf C. Sellers and M. Bromley. "Violent Behavior in College Student Dating Relationships," Journal of Contemporary Justice. (1996)Is It Ok To Occasionally Hit Your Girlfriend? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Tuesday, April 10th, 2012 at 02:36:22.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| Dating Profiles That Don't Work |
| I find most of my frustrations with online dating lie with people's dating profiles. Most of them do nothing for me: they don't give me any insight as to who the person is, they are full of spelling and grammar mistakes (not to mention netspeak; see my list of dating acronyms to see what I mean), and very few encourage me to reach out and say hello. Which is sad, because isn't that the whole point? Now, I'm not asking or expecting that every single becomes Shakespeare overnight and creates a masterpiece that resonates with everyone. But is it really too much to ask to put a little bit more effort into your profile than, "just checkin' things out"? When I run into a poorly written dating profile - or worse, just using up characters willy nilly to make it past the dating site's sensors - I have no interest in interacting with them. Period. It's like going on a date without taking the time to brush your hair first: you've come to the table unprepared and it shows. That's why I suggest a new dating rule for dating profile writing: your profile must take at least as much time to write as it takes you to get ready for a date. I'm not the only one who feels this way: OkCupid analyzed 500,000 first contacts on their site a few years back, and found that netspeak and poor grammar were turn offs, although "haha," and, "lol," worked in the sender's favor. But what do you think? Does it matter to you what people say in an online dating profile, or upon first contact? Related: How To Write an Online Dating Profile, Dating Profile Don'ts Dating Profiles That Don't Work originally appeared on About.com Dating on Monday, April 9th, 2012 at 00:34:42.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| How Do Single Parents Date? |
| In the dating forums, EAM_at_44 wants to know: "I am 44, divorced almost 2 years, a working mom of 3. I started dating a few months ago using an online service to meet men because otherwise I don't know when I would have the time to meet new people. I have gone out with 4 men as a result of screening them by email and phone first. All 4 of them were great at the start but a few weeks into dating it's like they looked like the same people but didn't act the same. I feel like I'm wasting a lot of time. Some people might be able to weed through them faster but I can only date once a week when my sitter is available and once a month I get a whole weekend when my ex has the kids so I feel like I'm putting a lot of time into each man just to get a bad surprise a month or 2 in to each effort. Suggestions?" As a starter, I would suggest to EAM_at_44 to book a spot in speed dating event during her next scheduled bout time alone. This way she can meet a lot of people in a small amount of time, without having to weed through a larger number of potentially interesting people. (see: What Is Speed Dating, How To Speed Date and reviews of some of the major speed dating companies for more information). I'd also recommend looking at dating a bit differently than you have up until now. From your post, I get the impression that you want a relationship NOW, and don't have or want to spend the time to let something fully evolve into whatever it's going to be. As a single parent myself, I understand completely. There's only so much time in a day, and when you're parenting full time and solo, it doesn't leave a lot of time for your own personal, adult relationships. So here's what I suggest: think of this initial stage of dating as something fun and lighthearted. A chance to get to do the things you've always wanted to, but couldn't, or a way to meet new folks where you *may* share interests, but likely won't - and that's okay. Because the kind of dating I'm suggesting isn't putting out the intention of, "Don't waste my time, I'm in it to win it!" but rather, "I'm happy with my life, and would love to share it with someone special. Is that you? Maybe, but let's go do something fantastic that I've always wanted to try, and if you're that person, great. If not, I thank you for the time you did invest in getting to know me, and best of luck." Hopefully, you can see the shift in what I'm saying. Instead of putting all this pressure on your date to be something or someone, instead, just get to know the person in a fun, interesting way, doing something you wanted to do anyway. If you enjoy their company, say so, and if you realize after one or two dates that it's just not feeling the way you want it to, say that pleasantly as well. No harm, no foul, because you still checked off something from your bucket list AND met someone cool in the process. They might not be your mate, but they're still a unique individual nonetheless. What do you think? For those of you who are single parents and dating, I'd love it if you shared what has worked for you and your family. Related: Single Parent Dating Sites, The Perks of Dating a Single Parent, Who Comes First, Your Kids or Your Partner?, Single Parent Dating Blogs, |
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| Does My Boyfriend Want Space? |
| chrissy723 asks: I've been dating my boyfriend for 7 months now but lately things have changed. A week ago or so my car broke down, so I asked him to pick me up from work. He asked me to find someone else because if he picked me up he'd be tired. Then, yesterday my boyfriend accused me of being snoopy because I was checking out his brand new PDA - something totally out of character for him to buy, considering what a miser he is. All I wanted to do was look at the features, but he took it the wrong way. What really upset me though was when my boyfriend asked me to take my things with me whenever I leave his place, because he feels like I'm trying to move in. Is he sending me a message that I'm not seeing, or does he merely want some time and space? My quick take on chrissy723's question? It sounds like there is a lack of respect in your relationship - on both sides of the equation. If this man thinks you are in a committed relationship and not merely dating, then sure, you should be able to leave a few things at his house without too much worry... but having a suitcase of stuff there might turn off some more sensitive folks, which may include your gent. And what about his being too tired? Well, it happens. Yes it would have been nice if he picked you up, but he's clearly telling you he wasn't able or willing. Pushing it here isn't the best of ideas either, because what you're saying is you're dependent on the guy, and few folks find that attractive. Which then leads me to your 'snooping' on his PDA - to which I agree with him. Ask first if you want to look at his PDA. Don't just pick it up and start perusing. Now he may have something to hide, and I'm sure some readers of this blog will chime and say he's cheating on you because he wasn't comfy with you looking at his contact list. Me? I believe that asking before looking at something so personal is what really matters here. So. Does your man want time, space, or a break from your relationship? You don't say how serious things have been during the seven months you've been dating, which makes providing a conclusive answer a tad challenging. But if he is your boyfriend (read: committed to one another and not dating anyone else), then it may be time to talk about what's going on. He may be feeling pressured by you to move things farther than he's ready, and his reactions are his only means of telling you. Or, he's not as committed to the relationship as you are, may be having second thoughts, and could even be doing the elastic band maneuver I like to call the 'pull-back', where many men remove themselves slightly from a relationship to see what their partner does. A test if you will, both to assure them of their continued independence as well a means with which to determine if moving forward with the relationship is merited. That's my take. What do you think?Does My Boyfriend Want Space? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Wednesday, April 4th, 2012 at 00:06:24.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| Dating Younger Men |
| A reader wants to know: I recently started dating a man almost seven years younger than I am. I'm mid-30s, BTW. So far, it's great. Still, I've never dated a man more than about a year or two younger than I am. What, if any, pitfalls should I be prepared for that are specific to this sort of age difference. Who has dated a significantly younger guy? Any advice?Dating Younger Men originally appeared on About.com Dating on Tuesday, April 3rd, 2012 at 00:12:23.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| First Date Impressions |
| A recent Ohio State University study has confirmed what many of us single folks already know: that first impressions count more. Among other things, the research found that when someone betrays another early on in their interaction, it is more challenging to overcome than if the same thing occurred later on. Those participating in the study were asked to play a game with another person (unknowingly to them, a computer program), deciding whether or not to cooperate or compete early on in the interaction. Those subjects who were competed against in the first two rounds of the game were more angry and found their 'partner' less trustworthy, as opposed to the subjects whose competition occurred later on. As well, the unhappy folks were more likely to fight with their computer generated counterparts in the last ten rounds of the game. But how does this information translate to the dating world? Simple. If you have to cancel at the last minute with someone you're either just meeting or have only interacted with once or twice, know that you're facing an uphill battle. In fact, any transgressions during those first few crucial meetings will be more harshly judged than if they took place several months down the road. Related: First Date Tips, First Date Ideas, Great Pickup Lines. Source: Huston, Matthew. "Best Face Forward." Psychology Today April 2009 Vol 42, No 2:32.First Date Impressions originally appeared on About.com Dating on Friday, March 30th, 2012 at 00:02:17.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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| Why Date? |
| When dating someone new, what's your primary motivation? After reading a quick clip in Bernice Kanner's book, Are You Normal? (Buy Direct), I learned that the majority of men (42%) and women (51%) date to 'establish a relationship', whereas 33% of men and 29% of women date to 'have a good time'. I couldn't find the origin of the statistics quoted unfortunately, but I'm still looking. Since the book was published in 2004, I'm assuming the research is a bit dated now - so now I'm even more curious as to what the point of dating is for people today. Take the poll and let me know - why do you date? |
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| Research Shows What Tactics To Use To Meet Someone Special |
| A few years ago the magazine Scientific American Mind discussed how we meet someone we marry, live with, or partner with (either short term or long term). Interestingly, some dating statistics presented in the article provided variations between the different relationship statuses and how we meet, and showed that it wasn't that different depending on how committed we were: the majority in all four scenarios meet through friends most of the time, with self-introduction and family members falling suit. Of course there were some predictable variations - such as short-term partnerships (i.e. casual relationships) meeting through self-introduction the most and family members the least - but I found the study results interesting. In the article, writers Nicholas A. Christakis and James H. Fowler tackle the seemingly debate-ridden stance that meeting the love of our lives has less to do with randomness and chance, and more to do with social networks than anything else. Out goes the romantic notion that a 'happy accident' or fate pulling people together such as in many a romantic comedy. No, the stats are quite clear: if you want to find someone to partner up with, no matter what kind of relationship you are looking for, use your social networks. But how about you? How did you meet your current, or last partner? Take the poll and let me know. |
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| How Do You Feel When You Date Checks You Out? |
| Have you ever had your date ogle you, or try and check out a body part when they thought you weren't looking? Maybe they walked behind you to take a look at your rear view, or snuck a look at your cleavage? Or perhaps you're the one eyeballing your date, either in appreciation or as a double-take. If you're the ogler, what were your reason(s)? Or, if you were the person being checked out, how did you feel about it? |
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| Is What I Find Attractive Weird? |
| Becca asks: "While we were at the mall, a girlfriend of mine asked me if I found guys with hair on their chests attractive. I said no because I grew up swimming competitively, so I'm not used to seeing guys with hair on their chests. But I love it when a guy smells like chlorine (again, the swimming thing) and said so. My friend looked at me like I was crazy so I stopped talking. Is what I find attractive really that weird?" No Becca, that's not weird at all. We've all got something unusual that we can appreciate, just like we all have something unusual to offer. For me, it's men with goatees. I realize that few women appreciate a man with facial hair, but for me, goatees are one of the easiest ways to get my attention. I wouldn't worry too much about what your friend thinks regarding what you find attractive. She's likely to have something in her personal list that drives her wild but makes you go 'ick' in response, too. In the grand scheme of life, if what you find attractive doesn't hurt you/someone else or break any laws, I see no harm in finding things out of the ordinary attractive. In fact, I think its a good thing - because if we all appreciated the same things, life would be pretty boring. But what about you? What do you find attractive that might not be considered normal?Is What I Find Attractive Weird? originally appeared on About.com Dating on Friday, March 23rd, 2012 at 01:41:39.Permalink | Comment | Email this |
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